Tough to Put This Delicately.....

Well, I'll be honest. This one is not for kids, not for the squeamish. This one is about money. Yes, that wretched stuff we give to people in exchange for gas, whiskey, organic asparagus. That rotten root of the poisoned tree. That pathetic stepson/daughter of capitalism/statism/getting-good-stuff-ism. Yup. So close your eyes. Put on your earmuffs. Cause if this is going to offend you, then shut it down before it permeates your dreams and leaves you listless the next morning and wondering why you want a cigarette when you didn't have sex.
    Well, it is coming on the end of the year. I've sold 9,000 less copies of my book than I intended to this year. Which means I've sold about 1,000 copies. Which is not bad, but is also a signal that I have failed at my intention of getting at least 3 billion people to buy my book--a large enough number to change the world, the way we think, stave off environmental cataclysm and allow me to have a small but dangerous number of sycophants who will take care of my meager needs.
   That being said, what can be done to rectify the situation?
   I have an idea. BUY THE FREAKING BOOK!
   Buy 10 copies each. Give them to friends. Give them to people on the street. Give them to beggars who can sell them to the libraries. A lousy $30 will get you a signed copy in the US or Canada or Mexico. A lousy $35 will get you a signed copy in Europe or Asia or Australia. And shipping alone is $15 or more to those far flung but well-read places.
   Now, remember that it is Christmas and you owe a lot of people presents. You drank ayahuasca last year, three years ago. You got the message that all is one. So you stopped giving presents because since all is one, no one needs anything. THAT IS SIMPLY CHEAP! SEND THE PRESENTS! And make it my book, okay? That will square you with family and at the same time allow said family to understand what you've been dealing with--which are genuine spirits, monsters, and the bile of your life. They will forgive you. And at that price? Very very inexpensive forgiveness. Much cheaper than having to give 10 percent of your gross to your church--and my absolution is probably just as valid and valuable. So give it up. Buy the book. Write me at peterg9 at yahoo dot com and get those soul-saving orders in before it's too late. Hate to see you rushing down the sluice to hell screaming: "I'll buy the book! I didn't know he was for real!!!!"
    Don't wait for that to happen. Even if I don't believe hell is real, no one says you can't use it as a selling tool, right?
   And there is a second thought here: I have not had advertising on my blog for several years. Which means it is a labor of love. Well, so is raising children, but we all appreciate when an aunt or uncle toss us a couple of bucks to help with the Christmas presents or Pampers.
   So while I have never done this, I am now going to try just to see how it goes. More than 97,000 separate people from more than 90 countries have read some of my blog. And it was all free. How nice for you. But it still took time for me. So what if all 97,000 people tossed me three bucks each via paypal at peterg9 at yahoo dot com? That would net me about $240,000 after Paypal's cut but before taxes, which would be about 40 percent, or $90,000. Which would leave $150,000. Which would pay off my house, pay off Chepa's house, pay off my sisters' houses, and still leave $35,000 to go to the charity of your choice. See how that works? Me first, but others can be in the line too. Selfish, of course. But realistic. I only owe $29,000 on my house so yes, I'd like that paid off.
   Now, realistically, nowhere near 97,000 people are gonna send me a couple of bucks. And they shouldn't. First come their families. Then their friends. Then their charities. Then their local food bank. Then, whatever else they need to do. So I am way way way in the back of the line.
    Still, and this is not for people who have bought my book, been on trips with me, are barely surviving and only use my blog to toss their cookies because they are anorexic but need a push. This request is for those who might read the blog every week, enjoy it, and realize they're getting away with murder for nothing. Well, that's probably leaving you feeling a little sick about taking advantage of me. So I'm offering you a way out, a way to feel better about yourself. A way to stop FEELING LIKE A FREAKING MOOCH! Just send $5 or $10 bucks. This is, after all, the first fund raiser in seven years. Coincidence that it comes at Christmas when you can least afford it? No. But for you conspiratorial nuts, have at it. I prefer to think that you're all in the habit of giving $20 a week to political campaigns and now that they are over you're at a loss, you don't know where to give. So I'm giving you an option. I'm clearing your plate. I'm letting you get off the junk without going through withdrawal. See how this works? It all comes down to you sending me money via pay pal at peterg9 at yahoo dot com so that you can feel better, get weaned off the political process and take a soul-searing hot bath at the same time. You win, I win. The kids win. The local charities win. What the heck? Sounds like a winner to me.
   BUTTTTTT! You can only send money if you have enough to eat. If your friends and family have enough to eat. If your neighborhood food bank has enough food to give to poor people. And if you can spare it, knowing it will go for a new trampoline, new sneakers for the babies, that sort of thing.
   So that's that. My first fundraiser. I feel dirty. Good, but dirty. I think I'll go take a shower and then check Paypal.