Okay, so I had a sort of blow my mind day, yesterday. More than that. It was a blow your heart out day. A clean up your insides day. A "watch the wind whistle through your heart" day.
I told you I fell for this beautiful Canadian gal who was on my trip. All was on the up and up till after every medicine was done and it was just time to have a party. Until then I was right on the mark with what I need to do as a trip leader.
But boy, I thought she was swell, and as I've told you, I have not had the man part of me appreciated for a long time. I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about someone wanting to sit and talk with me, someone wanting to kiss me and hold my hand. Simple, profound stuff.
So I came home thinking she'd come down to Texas next month and we'd see where we stood. I was looking forward to it.
Seems it's not going to happen, as I noted a couple of posts back. She's got a full life and had a full life before she met me, and now that she's back to it, well, it's still full and I don't really fit. Good enough. I still had a few days that no one can take away and they were fantastic.
So yesterday is a full moon in my opposite or whatever. I was feeling under the gun from pressure to get a cover story written in too short a time, in wishing that woman would make a change in her plans and get down here if I bought her a ticket, and then I went to the mailbox and what did I find? A small package from my first real lover, CL. I've written about her in this blog and in the book and we had nearly 15 years together--though some of that was jagged--and I simply was not ready to accept love. I thought it constrained me and so I was the most lousy passive-aggressive person you could ever meet. What a freaking louse I was to this very very fantastic and giving woman.
Anyway, she finally left and married a guy and had the greatest 25-years she could have had and though I often missed her, I never interfered.
I was in touch last year for a phone call, after her beloved husband died. A few months later. Strange story that I've already related here.
So to get a package from her yesterday was astounding.
In it was a note to "P" from "Cl" and there was an outline of a small whistle we used to use together. I kept my whistle but never imagined she'd kept hers. Opening and reading that note just blew my mind.
Part of the note explained that she was sending back a ring that my mom, Madeleine, got from my dad, Tom, after she went crazy one night and had Tom cut her wedding ring off. This was what he gave her as a substitute.
Mom gave it to me to give to Cl as a measure of my love. She didn't think it was right that I was living with a beautiful woman who didn't have a ring on her finger.
So Cl wrote that she wanted to give my mom, Madeleine's ring to my daughter, Madeleina.
You don't think I was crying all over the place? Freaking watered the lawn. Nicest think she could have done and that from one of the nicest people God ever bothered to fashion.
The outline of the whistle on the note was an indication that it was okay to call her, so I looked her up and did. I kept it short, wasn't high, was nice. It was lovely to hear her voice but sad to hear that she's still having a tough time with her husband's passing.
An hour later, my beautiful Canadian called me to tell me I was fantastic and that she adored me but I wouldn't quite fit in with her life right now. I understand. Don't like it, cause I fell for her, but I do understand.
And then I decided to go to sleep: My first real love--and I am not short changing those who came before her, only that she's the one I stayed with, even if I was a cruel idiot--wrote and reminded me how valuable she was and is. Then I spoke with my most recent love who reminded me that while I was special, I wasn't quite special enough.
You don't think that was a tough couple of hours?
Every now and then the Universe just says: Tag! You're it!
And then you are.
And yesterday was my day to be "it".
Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'm gonna dance a little tonight. Because very very very few people have ever had the love I got from those two very beautiful women/souls. How lucky can one guy be?
Most just don't get as lucky as me.
Thanks, Universe, for the reminder.