Thursday, April 03, 2014

Can't Sleep for Panic, Not Happy

It's 4:45 AM. I've been up since 3:15. Before that I was up at 2 and then earlier, at midnight. It's been this way for several weeks now--it's been a little like this for a couple of years but only this bad since I came back from Peru. I've had apnea for a while--my nose gets stuffed up and I stop breathing and wake in a panic. My friend Claudia told me to put the bed on a slant, raise one end, and that would help. It did. It was perfect for more than two years. Slept good three and four hour chunks twice a night, just getting up to use the restroom and check the house once or twice.
    But now, now is different. It's like my lungs are full of water an I'm drowning all the time. I drink wine and so can go to sleep early for a few hours--maybe 9:30 till midnight. Then another hour and another. And then it's done. So I'm exhausted every day. My ankles and feet are swollen from not laying down for a long enough time. I start to panic just thinking about going back to bed.
    I try to embrace the fear: I see myself entering a tunnel that gets smaller and smaller and I want to turn and run but force myself to come to the end and start digging my way out. And sometimes I dig right into open sunlight and think, 'good, now I'll sleep' but that's not how that works. I still wake in a panic, not breathing.
    I sometimes put a pillow on the desk and sit back in the chair and put my feet up on the pillow and sometimes that works but not tonight. Tonight I just feel like I'm drowning and I'm not happy. I want this to stop. I want my own body back, my own ankles, my own sleep patterns, my own alertness during the day, my joy of living every moment. I am tired of being tired and grumpy.
    I'm going to do some sapo, frog sweat, on Saturday morning to see if I can't get this body to do a reset. I've got too many calls for a new story tomorrow to fit it in during the morning. I don't know what else to do. I can't sleep for panic and I'm not happy.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

thanks for write that down, but
I'm a male, so i search solutions, forgetting easily to be only an open listener.

keep us informed on what kambo might do.

My more obviuos solution is to start a fasting of three days, or at least only fruits. Seems your limph is not circulating, fluids not recicled. Try to restore the response pattern to light and dark, melatonin at night even strong doses ( 20mg max), ... and a pillow of weed. Louvado Seja Deus !
There are machines to assist those sleeping with apnea, and the treatment is limited in time.

Steve Mitchell said...

A CPAP machine will releive the apnea. Sleep apnea is hard on a persons heart. Good luck.

Steve Mitchell said...

A CPAP machine will releive the apnea. Sleep apnea is hard on a persons heart. Good luck.

Bill Freimuth said...

Sending good, sleepy thoughts your way, my friend.

Due South said...

Maybe it's not just you, Peter, maybe it's something on a cosmic level. I have also started to wake up in the middle of the night recently, and one of my friends woke up at 4:00 the other morning with an anxiety attack and had to drive himself to the hospital... couldn't breath... Some other friends have also mentioned an uneasy feeling of late.

Alternatively, (I have read your book), maybe there is a Brujo who have it in for you? Light attracts darkness after all, as was the case with Julio as well...

Gerardus Azevinho said...

hi peter i sent you some emails true your website about cell towers now i realize that that is not your concern at the moment although it is good to stay away from them as far as you can ,i did not realize you have so much trouble with your leg you don't know me but i live in brasil and i will give you some advise because i am a naturopath ,because you have taken so much medicine especially antibiotics it is necessary you take iodine potassium here is a link where to get it and why you should take it
http://www.jcrows.com/iodine.html
maybe you can let me know how you are and i can help you get better at least i will try
all the best gerardus hulst

Gerardus Azevinho said...

hi peter i sent you some emails true your website about cell towers now i realize that that is not your concern at the moment although it is good to stay away from them as far as you can ,i did not realize you have so much trouble with your leg you don't know me but i live in brasil and i will give you some advise because i am a naturopath ,because you have taken so much medicine especially antibiotics it is necessary you take iodine potassium here is a link where to get it and why you should take it
http://www.jcrows.com/iodine.html
maybe you can let me know how you are and i can help you get better at least i will try
all the best gerardus hulst

Gerardus Azevinho said...

in your case large doses of iodine potassium and also rub it on the leg,you cant od from it unless you drink a liter i guess, take 30 drops for a few weeks a day and rub it on the leg diluted in some water ,all americans have iodine deficiency among other things lol,also compresses on the leg here is a link how to do this taro plasters and ginger plasters are very effective ,
http://www.macrobiotics.co.uk/homeremedies.htm

you might not like this alternative stuff i don't know you very well but i guess you do after all i read on your website ,anyway you have had so much allopathic medicine that you need to counter balance this with as much as holistic treatment as possible

all the best
gerardus hulst

Gerardus Azevinho said...

the earlier comment about fasting three days and only fruits i cant agree with, fruits are to yin and if anything you need to become more yang contracted,allopathic medicine are very yin and that can also explain your panic attacks if anything take miso soup with good quality soya to become more yang,many people that take ayahuasca don't realize that ayahuasca is also very yin and you need to counter balance that with yang foods or things that make you more yang cold showers walking on the grass on bare feet,thats why you smoke when you drink ayahuasca it makes you more yang i believe that smoking real pure tobacco is good for you ,another misguided american phobia that smoking kills maybe the crap they sell commercially but thats not the tobacco thats killing you.
anyway the focus is on becoming more yang to counter the yin state that allows you to travel into the other worlds ,but thats another topic ,what i can tell you from experience is that our mind is not invited to this party and people tend to forget that,and when they become ill they forget that its the body that its healing itself and the mind can only create problems but cant solve them,
a real fucked up situation when you only have the mind to rely on ,but that is not the case with you you have traveled far and wide in the other frequencies ask the doctors to come and help you,they have helped you before from what i read on your website .but if a may make a suggestion get out of america you obviously dont belong there ,all the best
gerardus

Gerardus Azevinho said...

To be yourself requires extraordinary intelligence. You are blessed with that intelligence; nobody need give it to you; nobody can take it away from you. He who lets that express itself in its own way is a Natural Man
all the best gerardus

Gerardus Azevinho said...

All experiences, spiritual or otherwise, are the basic cause of our suffering.
gerardus

Gerardus Azevinho said...

The so called self-realization is the discovery for yourself and by yourself that there is no self to discover. That will be a very shocking thing because it's going to blast every nerve, every cell, even the cells in the marrow of your bones.
gerardus

Gerardus Azevinho said...

All that is necessary for the survival of this living organism is already there. The tremendous intelligence of the body is no match for all that we have gathered and acquired through our intellect.
gerardus

Gerardus Azevinho said...

peter i don't know if you read this, i have lived a similar life to yourself, except that i am unknown ,like yourself i have been living in terror and wonder all my life, iam some 8 years older than you i guess ,and only recently have i learned how to balance,more or less, the terror of being a man with the absolute wonder of being a man, i wish you all the best in finding the same balance,more or less
gerardus

Peter Gorman said...

Thank you for all your input Gerardus. I appreciate it.
And yes, I read it all.
Peter G

Gerardus Azevinho said...

hi peter, good ,its always good to meet a kindred spirit,as yourself i have traveled the world and for the last 15 years south america mainly brazil there is enough to do in brazil to last me a life time ,i will no longer fly so that kind of restricts me to land mass unless i take a boat, which i am planning for the next year,and visit iquitos ,which as the crow flies is not that far from my place in mato,grosso,i would go by car and bus , if you have time let me know how you are and how i can help, i have a wide range of knowledge i don't know about wisdom but thats not up to me to decide .we are all legends in our own mind and i gave up trying to figure out what others think,or worry about it, including my own thoughts ,i believe there is a world of difference between thinking and perceiving and i am not so fond of the thinking world, that does make it difficult to interact with people ,as you know if you take ayahuasca you go into the perceiving world,and the mind becomes useless, unless you use it as it is supposed to be used as a tool clean and sharp just to translate what you perceive not to interpret , and the problem is that very few people perceive they think,and thats why we often sound like raving lunatics to them because what we perceive has very little to do with their perception of the world that goes true their analytical dissecting thinking process first and that distorts things as we can see around us all day long
all the best
gerardus

Gerardus Azevinho said...

some "thoughts" you might like.

The mind is always closed in. As long as the mind is there, it is that which is preventing you from understanding things.

That messy thing called 'mind' has created many destructive things. By far the most destructive of them all is God.

Thought is something dead and can never touch anything living. It cannot capture life,contain it, and give expression to it. The moment it tries to touch life it is destroyed by the quality of life.

Cabbages are more alive than most human beings.

Gerardus Azevinho said...

hi peter its actually rare that i am close to a computer for very long , i am having my teeth fixed in a coastal town in brazil,so iam making the best of it for the few months i am here. so i will keep posting ,kind of like it i don't think i have ever responded or participated in a blog before .
here are some another phrases i like.they are from a man called don juan i used to read when i was young,i never forgot.

We choose only once. We choose either to be warriors or to be manipulated ordinary man.A second choice does not exist. Not on this earth.

A warrior relaxes and abandons himself, perceiving directly
he fears nothing, only then will the powers that guide humans open the road and aid him.

It does not matter how one was brought up, what determines the way one does anything is personal power, a man is only the sum of his personal power, and that sum determines how he lives and how he dies .

Gerardus Azevinho said...

Our personal power determines what our lives will look like, if we have no personal power
we cant do anything but feel sorry for ourselves, the only way to get personal power
is to hunt energy, because personal power is the amount of energy one has and how one deals
with this energy as impeccable as possible.
The greatest trouble with most of us is that our demands upon ourselves are so feeble,
the call upon the great within us so weak and intermittent that it makes no impression
upon the creative energies,
it lacks the force that transmutes desires into energy and consequently into reality.


Human beings are perceivers, but the world that they perceive is an illusion; and illusion
created by the description that was told to them from the moment they where born.
So in essence, the world that their reason wants to sustain is the world created by a
description,and its dogmatic and inviolable rules,
which their reason learns to accept and defend.




Their reason makes them forget that the description is only a description and before they realize it,human beings have entrapped themselves in a vicious circle
from wich they rarely emerge in their life times.

Millions long for immortality................ who don't know what to do on a rainy afternoon.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.


In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri

Gerardus Azevinho said...

self pity is the mother of self importance

it takes a while to really get this one, it took me 30 years ,so good luck

Gerardus Azevinho said...

hi peter since you like ayahuasca i would like to give you my perspective on it, ayahuasca as a way of life and ayahuasca tourism,territory and frequencies,

there is ayahuasca tourism that is no different than going to disneyland,although a lot more dangerous most people that take ayahuasca have such rigid confused minds and weak personal power and a low frequency,that even if they take ayahuasca all day it will not pass their mind,it gets stuck into their mental world,to perceive is natural only if you can stop this internal dialogue, unfortunately it will only weaken those that cant ,and they fall prey to the lower entities, demonic if you will,that are all around them at all times ,taking ayahuasca when you are a city dweller ,pretty much 90 % these days, is dangerous,because the cities are full of demons ,entities ,and they are not natural to the corrupt city man and he does not have the personal power to deal with them,that is not to say that some man who live in cities and have a lot of pérsonal power can not benefit from it .

ayahuasca as a way of live is very different and can safely be practised by people that live in a natural environment and have a strong personal power ,and their frequency determine how much they perceive and how they can act on it ,and they can tell the difference between beneficial and detrimental entities and how to deal with them,when to stop demonic entities and when to benefit from beneficial entities they are completely natural to the natural man,and a natural man can be anybody from any culture, but it does take nature to give us this boost to get enough personal power to become a natural man,

and the key to all this and the beginning is to be able to stop this internal dialog and keep the mind in the background as a clean and sharp tool to use when necessary to act, and the emphasis on acting.

why one would ask to bother at all with all this ,well especially at this stage in "time" the demonic entities are making a lot of head way ,as i am sure you can see all around you,
thus it matters greatly what we do in this realm ,because this realm is only part of a much bigger picture,if you allow the "demonic" entities and again the emphasis, on allow, we are in charge not them,but they are crafty little buggers ,when you allow this and you leave this realm this body, and now you are in your etheric/spirit body that is not strong but weak and confused ,than you are entering their world and than you are really up shits creek with out your i phone,they pull you into their world when you are a lost disembodied confused spirit.

so i would say thats why it is of utmost importance to become strong in body and spirit,and you decide when you come and go and where .

unless of course you don't mind to be tormented in their world until you incarnate again and have to start all over again
than again don't worry about the fate of the trolls as i call them they have only recently left the lower worlds so iam sure they don't mind going back there for a while .
but we humans and elves have tasted freedom and will never want to go back to these dark realms .

to some this might sound of the wall and for the linear analytical dissecting mind it is ,but i know you understand
all the best
gerardus