Monday, March 29, 2010

Madeleina Got Me

So I picked up Madeleina today, after promising her we'd go to the feed store to see if they had any hens for sale. Or ducks. Unfortunately, I was 15 minutes early and passed the feed store so went in to get the goat meal before I picked her up. There were only 3 day old chicks for sale, and we already know we have to buy 3 dozen of those tho wind up with half a dozen real hens. Red-Tailed hawks just eat them for snacks. So I passed.
Which pissed Madeleina off no end. "But you promised you'd buy some ducks or chickens, dad..."
"But they didn't have any today, baby. I'll buy some when they have them..."
"What did they have?"
"Just rabbits."
"Why didn't you buy rabbits?"
"Because I was buying chickens or ducks or both. Rabbits are a whole nother ball game."
"Well pardon me if I hate you because I hate you. You are the worst father. YOu never buy me rabbits..."
"And I never will. Honey, rabbits can't just be put into the chicken coop. It's not what they do. Heck, rabbits lick their fur but then can't burp so they choke to death. You don't want that, do you?"
"If they all choke to death in one day how do they make babies?"
"They don't all choke to death, but if you don't brush them daily there is a good chance they will. That's a pretty brutal death. Now if they were selling jack rabbits, well, I'd buy those guys because you can't kill them with a shotgun..."
"Then buy those rabbits. But you didn't buy anything..."
"I bought goat food, which is what I went for. I looked for hens and ducks but he didn't have any. Rabbits are not a substitute for hens and ducks. Rabbits don't lay eggs."
"You and your eggs. I hate eggs."
"I love your attitude. You're 12. Keep it up till you're 24 and your attitude is twice as bad and you'll be in jail. Keep it up till you're 36 and your attitude is three times as bad and I'm just lucky I'll be dead by then and not have to see you burned at the stake. Or burned as a steak, whichever comes first."
"Not even funny, dad. Stupid."
And then we came home, and she kept up the attitude while I got tomorrow morning's coffee ready and invited Sara and Italo and Marco over for burgers--MEDIUM RARE WITH LOTS OF BLOOD, which is currently outlawed in this state--with homemade coleslaw, good beans, broccoli, rice and an onion/cucumber/vinegar salad. I'll skip the rice but Italo and Marco will eat a pound apiece.
And then the phone rang and I asked Madeleina to get it because I was busy with chopping the garlic for the beans, and she said she couldnt' but handed it to me a moment after it stopped ringing.
I was waiting for several calls related to investigations so I called my call back and heard there was a call, punched in my code and was told there was one call. I pressed "1" and the call began: "Mr. Gorman....I'm a reader of yours, and I'm...forgive me, I need to cough...Oh, my, that's blood...that's not good...Mr. Gorman? Are you still there?"
The woman was maybe 80 and either had Tuburculosis or an autoimmune disease that was on the brink of killing her, or maybe she'd been gunshot in the belly. Her voice was tortured and I hoped she'd give me an address.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Gorman....I'm not feeling well....I need help and don't know where to turn...I'm turning to you...excuse me...I'm coughing up blood...I don't think I've ever felt this badly Mr. Gorman...I don't know where to turn...I'm sorry to bother you...I wish I had friends but I'm alone and I read your blog...I pay look like a caring man...and I'm alone and....oh my god, I'm sorry, what I must sound like, coughing like this...please forgive me..."
And then the phone went dead.
I sat there for three seconds.
I pressed the number to see the most recent numbers that had called. Her's was there but it was blocked.
How could i help, how could I call an ambulance if the number was blocked?
I tried redial but only got my daughter-in-law, who'd called prior to this woman.
I felt lousy.
I'm public. I may not be able to help but I'm supposed to try.
"Yes, dad?"
"I have a problem. I need help."
"Be there at the commercial."
"Okay, okay," she said, stomping into the room. "What's your problem?"
"A woman just called. She's sick. She's coughing up blood. She might be dying. She blocked her phone. How the freak am I supposed to get her number to call an ambulance?"
"Did she say, 'pardon me...I'm coughing up blood...I've never done that before...'"
And then Madeleina burst out laughing. Burst out and spit came flying from her laughter all over me. "I got you!!! I got the great Mr. Peter Gorman. The famous Mr. Peter GOrman!.....'I need help...I have no friends...I have no one to turn to....'"
Ah, Madeleina....You just uped the ante girl....You have no idea what short-sheeting is, or blood letters, or worms on your pillow, do you????? I'm gonna get you girl...It's only fair,....I am gonna get you.....

1 comment:

Gritter said...

Ah yes, and you know what they say about payback don't you. Thye say that it'''s............well, it's.......bliss!! Yeah that's it! Can't wait to hear about it.