Friday, July 24, 2009

Here's Karma For You...

Well, here's karma for you. If anyone has strong opinions about abortion, please stop reading now, okay. Cause I'm gonna talk about it.
I was raised quite catholic, as in catholic alter boy, Legion of Mary kid who went to old people's homes to make them food and talk with them, all of that. It was only my father, who was Lutheran--at best--who pursueded me not to join a monastery to become a priest.
I didn't get laid till I was 19. I didn't jerk off till I was 20 because I didn't know you could. It just never occurred to me.
Now I know I was born in 1951, but even for the mid-sixties I was pretty reserved.
Then I did have sex. And the first girl I had sex with, using a condom, I broke it and she got pregnant and had an abortion. Then I lived with and Loved CL for 15 years and she had maybe 6 or 7 abortions. I just wasn't ready for kids. She got pregnant on the pill, using the diaphram, while menstruating, using condoms....hell, I was Irish and so was she and between us we were the most fertile ground God ever paved. And then I was with X and Y and Z and I had another 5 or 6 abortions. And then in Peru, as an adult of over 35 I probably had another 5 or 6. I never left a baby anywhere on this planet except for Madeleina. I know Italo and Marco are mine by blood now, but that's after 17 years of being together. In terms of sperm, it's just Madeleina.
And I never took a single abortion lightly. I prayed for those angels to understand that I would not do them right and that they were better off finding other parents. I felt awfully each time, though I still back a woman's right to have an abortion.
But just the last couple of days I've been shaking my head at myself. Know why? Because I'd give anything to have 15 or 20 kids. I love kids. I want Italo's Sarah to have her baby soon, and I want Marco's Carly to get pregnant, and I love Chepa's new babies as if they were mine. I could live for raising kids. And then here I am, the man who sent maybe 15 of those angels back home without ever having a moment here on earth because I didn't think I was ready. And now I miss them all.
That's karma. No, that's Karma with a capital Karma.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, and I don't think I did anything wrong telling those angels to find a better dad. It's just that now I realize I would have been a good dad. I would have been okay if I wasn't so scared. And now that I'm not, nobody in the world wants to have a baby with me. Ain't that something?
Just thinking, that's all. And a little bit sad.


Wio said...

When i was 30, i felt i wasn't ready to have a child.. so.. i had an abortion... i had no regrets.. but my soul did.. it wasn't until i was in Big Sur with Claudio,15 years later that my heart understood.. BARAKA.. + LOVE.. and i cried for forgiveness after witnessing another who HAD BEEN ABORTED.. and a long filament of yellow light came out of her crown.... when she talked about her abortion with a clothes hanger.. her mother used, ...... but for me the witness the upwelling of spontaneous tears, that ensued... i still cry ..... 'W'

c.engel said...

You are a good dad now.

You have no way of knowing if you would have been a good dad then.

This kind of head shaking about the past can turn you every which way to crazy.

Then was then, now is now. You made the decisions then, you cannot second guess them now.

You are a good dad now.

Morgan said...

I think you've helped just as many or many more people and souls see and become the angels they are; Saint Peter, Saint Peter, at the gates of the Jungle, San Pedro, San Pedro, Amigo, Amigo

The Grudge said...

Thanks for sharing Peter. This topic is always tough which ever way you feel about the right of it.